


You'll Always Be Matt to Me

by Shattered_Gem



Category: Death Note
Genre: Forgiveness, LGBTQ, M/M, Mistakes, Romance, Transgender
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-12 17:16:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4488027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shattered_Gem/pseuds/Shattered_Gem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know you'll always be Matt to me right? No matter if you sprout wings and a tail, you'll always be Matt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is just something I wrote down, it isn't finished, and I don't know if I'll keep going. Please let me know what you think. Also, side note, I myself am a transgender boy, and the emotions I used here were genuine from what I've felt and the "facts" have been first hand experience.  
> Thanks for reading.  
> Andrew

The binder was fucking tight, like it always is after I wash it. I know the drill, over the head, yank the back down and pull breasts in, I fucking hate my breasts they're fucking impossible to bind. I pull the long sleeves over my body and pull on some baggy pants. I look in the mirror, ruffle my hair and smooth my chest. Not too bad today. I grab the lighter off the dresser and light my first cigarette of the day. I walk out of our room to the living area. It's technically our room but he hardly ever sleeps there, he normally falls asleep in the closet that we made into a makeshift study. He isn't in the main area, I take another drag and sigh as I watch the smoke leave my lips. I place the goggles over my eyes and grab out the laptop, starting my hacking for the day. Currently he wants me to hack into SPK, disable their cameras and reroute the footage to my computers. It requires a lot of concentration and a lot of memory. One wrong move and we're fucked and I have to start all over. I hear the closet door open and I quickly put out my cigarette and turn my attention back to the hacking. "Morning Mel" I say not turning my head, and I don't have to, the sound of the sigh he makes as he stretches is enough to tell me he got no sleep last night. I know better than to pry and continue my work. Hours pass of us sitting on opposite ends of the couch, him looking at files as I continue typing. I glance up for a moment and notice his eyebrows are furrowed and he's biting his lip. I look at him for another moment, watching his eyes dart across the paper and his skinny hand push back his honey like hair, then I turn back to the screen.

**ACCESS DENIED.**

"What the fuck?! Shit!" I yell out slamming my fist against the couch. "What?" Mello asks looking up. "I messed up, I've got to start over." His face turns dark. "We don't have that kind of fucking time! You fucking clumsy shit!" He shouts and stands up, walking toward me. "You fuck everything up! I'll do it myself!" He's grabbing at my laptop. "Mello listen to me." He cuts me off. "No you fucking listen to me Melanie Grace Jeevas!-" He freezes. I freeze. Tears well up in my eyes, my hand goes over my mouth. "Matt, I-" He starts. "Save it. Leave me alone." I say and I start walking to our room. "I'm sorry. I didn't- I'm- Matt." I turn around and smile crookedly. "I said save it Keehl." And I shut and lock the door.

* * *

The knocking has finally stopped. But I can hear him against the door, yelling, cursing at no one but himself, fighting the ground and losing. Back at Wammy's Mello was all I had, Roger wasn't what you would call supportive, L would come by to see me when he could, he always called me Matt. I could never get testosterone. It would be too much of a distraction. I was constantly demeaned. I had to use the girls bathroom, the girls showers, I only got to room with Mello because I was the only kid who could deal with him without acquiring a broken nose. I still remember the first time I met him.

_"This is Mello, he's going to be in a lot of your classes. I have to run an errand, can you stay with Mello for a bit?" Roger said._

_I started to walk toward him as he bit and sucked at a piece of chocolate with his hair in a pony tail and his face in a book. I plucked up some courage and sat next to him._

_"I'd be careful if I were you, you saw what I did to that boy this morning."_

_"Yeah, I did, next time make sure to put your thumb on your middle finger, not your index." That made him set down his book._

_"You aren't scared of me?" I shook my head._

_"He deserved it." I said and Mello smiled._

_"I like you."_

* * *

_After I was moved into Mello's room things started to settle down. One day, when we were thirteen, Mello came back to the room in a towel because he had forgotten to grab clothes. But his towel was just around his waist. I avert my eyes and cross my arms over my chest._

_"You're not like me." I whisper. He turns around so he's facing me._

_"Huh?"_

_"I said- you're- you're not like me."_

_"Like you how?" He sits down on the edge of my bed, "Matty?" I can't meet his eye._

_"You're a real boy."_

_"So are you."_

_"No I'm not."_

_"Yes you are." He sighed and looked and my hands fiddling around in my lap._

_"Matty? What are you talking about?" I took a deep breath._

_"Turn around." I could tell he was a bit confused but he went with it. I took a deep breath and pulled my shirt over my head, leaving me in my sports binder._

_"Okay." I whisper. He turns and I can tell he doesn't understand, but before he can speak a word I jump in."Lock the door." And he does. I take a breath and I pull the binder up and over my head with a bit of trouble due to my slightly large breasts. I put my arms across my chest and look down._

_"Matt." He sighs, "you're-"_

_"A freak? A girl? Tranny?"_

_"Beautiful." Well that caught my attention._

_"What?"_

_"You're beautiful." He takes a step toward me._

_"May I?" He whispers inching towards me._

_"You...." I trail off when his hands gently take my wrists pulling them to my sides._

_"What are you....?"_

_"If you say no, I stop, entirely." I nod._

_"You-you can keep going." He backed up._

_"You're shaking Matt."_

_"N-no I'm not."_

_"It's okay." He whispers and walks away for a moment. He disappears into the dressing area for a moment and all I can think is_ nice job. You fucked up...again _.Then he walks out wearing a pair of black sleep pants and one of my big sleep shirts. I'm starting to cry when he looks at me. He gently raises my arms and pulls the sleeves over them before bringing the shirt all the way down._

_"Hey, Matty, what's wrong?"_

_"Just leave already." But no I don't want him to go. Please stay. Please. And he doesn't, instead he gently shifts the blankets around and tucks me into bed. He kisses my forehead._

_"Get some sleep, Matt."_

_"You too Mels."_

_"You know you'll always be Matt to me right? No matter if you sprout wings and a tail, you'll always be Matt." I smile._

_"Thank you Mello." I whisper half asleep. And when he thought I couldn't hear him he whispered one last thing, "I love you Matt."_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER HAS BRIEF AND NON GRAPHIC RECALLS OF A RAPE. IF YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT OR IF YOU'RE TRIGGERED BY THAT PLEASE DON'T READ. IF YOU WOULD STILL LIKE TO READ IT BUT WANT TO SKIP THAT PART, SKIP THE PARAGRAPH OF ITALICS NEAR THE END. THANK YOU.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All rights go to their respected owners.  
> I've been away for a while. It's been batshit crazy. My sister moved out, and school is kicking my ass. I try to write in my spare time but I don't have much. And some of the things I write are a but too much to post for my comfort level. Anyway, here is a second chapter, and maybe a third will follow...

I open my eyes, _when did I fall asleep? Why am I in bed? It’s like 3 P.M…_

         “Mel?” I ask, my voice very hoarse and my eyes incredibly bleary, I must have been crying.

         “Matt?!” He sound like he just woke up too, his voice is coming from the other side of the door. I rub my eyes and push myself off the bed, slowly trudging to the door. I try opening it, but it’s locked. I unlock it and open it, Mello comes tumbling in, he must have been lying against the door. His eyes too are bleary and his face is red. He has been crying.

         “Matt?” His voice is so soft, the only other time I’ve heard that voice was the night I took off my binder. I extend a hand out to him and he uses it to stand up on shaky legs. He looks at me, and I can just see his hurt, his anger, his… fear? No, Mello isn’t afraid. He can’t be. I pull him into my arms, afraid that he’ll take his anger out on me. I of course would be happy to assist if it keeps him alive, and if he isn’t drunk, I get a few hits in too.

         “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He says, and suddenly I remember, the yelling, getting locked out of the system, and Mello calling me by _that_ name.

         “It’s okay.” I say gently pulling him out of my shoulder. He shakes his head.

“No, no it isn’t Matty.” I lean forward and kiss his cheek.

“It is, I swear.” I take his chin in my hand and tilt it to look at me.

“I can’t believe I let it slip like tha-“ Yeah, I fucking kissed him, he wouldn’t stop moving his mouth, so I gave it something else to do. His mouth was open from talking, and he was stalk still. I threw my arms around his neck and gently moved my lips away for a moment. He looks at me surprised before smirking.

“Took you long enough.” I feel my lips curl into a smile. Then his smirking lips touch my smiling ones and this time instead of staying still he moves closer to me. He puts his hands on my lower back and presses me against him. I gasp at the sudden pull and he uses it as a way to move his tongue into my mouth. I get startled and pull back.

“Matt I-“

“I swear to that imaginary god you believe in I will beat you within an inch of your life if you say you are sorry. I love you Mel. But that was my first kiss. I do want to _you know_ just not yet, okay?” He nods and smiles, bringing his hand to my face so he can gently move his thumb across my cheekbone.  I close my eyes and yawn.

"You look tired." He says, his hand still on my cheek.

"I feel tired." I mumble, leaning into his hand.

"Why don't you get some sleep? You haven't had much recently."

"Nawh, I'm fine. I just need a red bull a cigarette. I can make it a little longer." He shakes his head, removing his hand.

"No, you're going to rest. You need it." He puts an arm around my shoulder guiding me to my bed, which is technically ours but we never sleep there at the same time. He'll lay on the couch some nights and other nights he just won't sleep. I start lightly trying to push him away.

"Mels, seriously, I can go for a few more hours. Let me go." Now I'm getting a bit more firm.

"Not a chance Matt. You need sleep." My heart beats faster as his arms wrap around me tighter and he lifts me onto the bed and pins me for good measure.

"Fucking let me go!" I yell, kicking, screaming, squirming to get out of his grip.

He laughs. Thinking I'm just being over dramatic and I don't have enough mental clarity to calm down. I close my eyes and I'm right there again.

 

_His brown hair in my face. He has me pinned up against a brick wall. My cheeks are being scraped and my breasts are no better. I can feel his zipper pressed against my rear. I hear him slide it down. I'm begging. I'm pleading. "Please just let me go." Then I feel him right up against me. His hand that isn't holding mine behind my back snakes forward and rubs sensitive skin in my most private place. He leans on me and lets go of my hands. His now free hand moves to my breast. Then I feel close to the worst pain I've ever felt. I start whimpering. But his hand kept rubbing. And my body reacted. 1,2,3... I don't know how many times I orgasmed. I stopped counting after 5. When he left he shoved me down and kicked me in the area he just finished violating. There was blood and semen everywhere on my legs. And I kept crying but no one ever came._

"Just get it over with! Just fucking do it!" I shout and suddenly the weight that pins me moves

"Mattie?" His voice is quiet and strained.

"Mattie." He says again when I refuse to respond.

"It was after you left." I whispered.

"This guy came to Wammys to visit. Roger said that the guy was a close coworker with L and had some information to give to us. He wanted to talk to me about hacking things and so we went outside. And then he-he-he..." Mello grabs me and holds me to him.

"I'm sorry Mattie. I'm sorry I left you. I'll find him and I'll kill him. I swear."

 


End file.
